ARLINGTON, MA—Fondly watching him as he joined a group of other men his age huddled around a classic car, members of the Altman family were reportedly excited Wednesday to see their dad making friends in their new neighborhood.
"He was kind of hanging back at first, so he needed a little nudging, but now it seems like Dad’s really hitting it off with the other guys on the block."
Look at them bonding over grass seed types and grilling temperatures. Before you know it, they will be sharing beers, watching football, and suppressing homosexual desires.
Daughter Kelly Altman wishes that area dad would make friends with rowdy single dad who’s always blasting rock music out of his garage because he's hot.
"W-wanna shoot guns? Wanna watch sports? Wanna talk about our hayday? Oh, you're 17? I miss being 17... p-please, don't leave..."
"Finally, I can just kick back, close my eyes, and do some serious listening."
"Fortune’s fool, I wagered I would be spared and forsook my ad blocker, and now a pitiless gloom that will abide for 30 seconds has descended."
The Onion - America's Finest News Source
"Wow, from way up here in the cheap seats it looks just like another high caliber bullet hole in Chicago... Batter up?"